Thursday, 31 December 2009

of mice and men

welcome back

after "winning" all these cheapo's, i am left with a single solitary Step2 ticket, sigh

the bubble beats have been of zagga (no wonder he likes herbs ! ) proportions, roll on the New Year to i get back to MY game ....

pleasant dreams

Monday, 28 December 2009

Ben10 v Toshiba ( .... ah'll gie ye Ben-fucking-10 .... )

welcome back.
i think its fair to say, that the watch that attaches itself to Ben10's wrist, is probably indestructible ....

i think its fair to say that a Toshiba Satellite L350-170 laptop is NOT indestructible ....

so what do you get when you cross a watch with a laptop ?

not pretty at all

you really could not do this if you tried.

the laptop was on the floor, i tipped it up to look at the screen, my son wandered over to see what i was up to, and dropped the watch .... which caught the screen a glancing blow .... doh !

a new screen is £90 if you fancy a bit of DIY ....

and then there is poker. very first hand on my first table, thought this regular could take a joke, as we have chatted in the past, obv not, wanker.

so its my bb and he jams his small stack in, about 20bb or something. this is how this regular plays, always. so it was no surprise. i fold.

so i say "lol f/off maggot, merry christmas mate" (maggot is part of his username, btw)

within 30secs there is a mod at the table typing all the usual stuff about abuse etc etc. I never even payed any attention to this at all and only when i tried to chat and the "your chat privilege's have been revoked" box pops up, does it dawn on me, the mod was there because of me ....

their email says i'm chat banned for a week lmfao, oh the irony !! just as well i missed the britBlogger :(

the flip side of the coin, i blagged a 4th place in the 10c/360's .... hah ! get it up you 'stars !

pleasant dreams.

Saturday, 26 December 2009

Merry Christmas ho ho ho

welcome back.

my phone memory woes continues ....

dear madam, your application to join our match making service has been rejected.
you failed question 14 "what do you like best in a man ?"
"A knife" was not an acceptable answer.

very brave Man jokes ....

how do you turn a fox into an elephant ? .... marry it !

what is the difference between a battery and a woman ?
a battery has a positive side.

why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist ?
because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

why did God create woman ?
to carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

classix ....

quick emergency tip, if you get snowed in.
you can turn your dishwasher into a snowplough .... by giving her a shovel.

sic ....

a bloke rings up work and says to his boss "i cant come in today I'm sick"
his boss says "how sick ?"
he replies, "well I'm in bed with my disabled sister !"

and a Christmas cracker ....

this Christmas, lets put mistletoe in our back pockets, so all the people who hate us can kiss our fucking arse.

ahh, the Glesga patter ....

wife asks husband "what shall i wear to the party ? would you like to see me in something long and flowing ?"
husband replies " aye, the fucking Clyde !"

Merry Christmas all.

pleasant dreams

Monday, 21 December 2009

the bitch is .... gone

welcome back.

seems i was just bitch of the week, lol. gone, but not forgotten.
poker continues to be pffft, any change, i'll let you know. i think i'll just continue to donk about in micro-land until my new year res kicks in, then its onwards and upwards .... or busto ????

btw the 10c/360's are actually quite funny, some of the all-ins .... class.
so far i've blagged 9th.27th.29th.20th.10th.36th.8th.25th. .... from about 10000 *)
on a slightly different note, i played the daily dollar rebuy on 'tilt last week, managing 311th of 4590 runners, not bad.
and 17th of 160 runners in one of my old favourite $3 war HORSE :)
and 97th of 869 runners in the $3 pl08b

i have a crappy ol' (works) phone and it seems the "memory" is full, lmfao, 90 texts and its fukked. so might as well dump the best ones ? on here. well, they made me smile, mostly :)

when Bob was asked if he preferred legs or breasts he said that he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies.
He was then informed this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

a man walks into a bar and sees this gorgeous woman and says "I'd love to get into your knickers"
she replied " i've already got one arsehole in there thanks ! "

scientific studies show 99% of men would like to be a tablecloth.
its the only fucking chance they get of being laid 3 times a day and pulled off last thing at night.

Vicar books into a hotel. Says to the receptionist " I do hope the porn channel is disabled. "
she replies " No, its just normal porn, you sick bastard "

classic ....

One day, a long time ago, in a land far far away, there lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bitch.
But it was just one day and a fucking long time ago.

pleasant dreams.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

hmmmm, so i am your bitch ....

welcome back.

its been a while so i thought i'd better knock one out but i decided to write a post instead ....

apparently, i am a certain degenerates bitch. what the fuck that entails, i have no idea .... do i bail him out financially ..... do i give him life enhancing advice .... or do i just blow him ....

not been aboot for a while, 'stars continues to be a complete fucking rollercoaster, not exactly what i want at this time of year. sure, i keep running into monster hands, made or otherwise, but fuck me, it does bleech the confidence factor right out of you !

speaking of such, i have been away for 5 days, i get back, she says "hi" .... wtf ????

bearing in mind, she is wearing a top you could park your fucking bike in, she is a trophy, she is indeed one mighty fucking fine looking MILF .... and "hi" .... wtf, seriously, wtf.
((not sure if its the milkman or one of the local farmers .... but it is certainly not fucking me))

any wonder i drink beer and play pokher .... seems i have fuck all else to do, pfffft.

aye, so, getting royally fucked at the felt, not so royally fucked away from it, pffft. decided to give stars a rest and just donk about in general ..... anyone remember Zelda, lol, yeah i have an old n64 gathering dust :) well, there is only so much internet fucking porn you can take in a week :))

so inbetween Zelda i am donking about in el-cheapo donk-em land .... (360)10c turbs :)

for my benefit, i played 12 tonight, including beer, and it ended ....

327,95,95,124,142,59,183,68,95,49,38 and last game i blag 8th.

ha fucking ha, so thats one itm .... guess what my new year resolution is ????

pleasant dreams.

Friday, 27 November 2009

wtf is this real life ?

welcome back.

over the last 2 weeks i have been beaten fucking senseless by the stars RNG. i also tend to find, when this happens, i don't play particularly well, so its a double whammy !! from a high of over $800 i hit the lows of $690 odds, wtf ? seriously wtf !!!!

[ the jammy bastard has gotten it all back and is on the right side of $800 - Ed ]

two weeks ago was smallestChilds birthday :) booked the day off .... but .... on the preceding night middleChild starts sicking up .... no biggie .... unless its half eleven at night and they are in bed .... ugh .... what a fucking mess !
this continues through the night, every hour or there abouts, fml !
the mrs decides this might be a good time to throw a sicky herself, wtf ? she spends half the night in the loo, fml.
middleChild stops throwing up about 9 next morning .... birthday morning, sigh .... about 10, i kneel down in front of the birthday girl, who is looking a wee bit wabbit .... BARF !!!! .... i am extremely extremely glad i had my mouth closed .... ugh .... what a fucking mess .... how i never caught their bug is beyond me !!

was supposed to be heading North of the border last weekend, see friends & family etc, etc .... err, no. due to the slightly inclement weather, trip postponed, sigh.

i run so good, huh ?

so i am heading North of the border this weekend .... err, no.
lunchtime today, i get a call from her mum, she aint well at all ! cant get out of bed, neighbour has taken oldestChild to school, middleChild is off school, hacking & coughing all over the fucking place, and good ole' mother-in-law has had to take a day off work to look after the kids !
so i get away from work and eventually get home to find the mrs still in bed with suspected swine flu !
so i have to head off to Boston (Lincs not Mass, btw) to get some damned tamiflu .... two fucking hours it took for a round trip of 20 miles, fml ! that town at 4pm friday afternoon is a fucking drivers nightmare !

i am soooo looking forward to the weekend, sigh.

the thought of playing on stars is almost comforting, almost.

pleasant dreams.

Monday, 23 November 2009

The Return of the Pink Salmon

welcome back.

played the britBlogger last night. what a hoot, up to a point :)

at my table i had badcallthat, Ca$hPredator, joppa-roadand his would-be-bitch (we'll come back to these two:), noCash and the Katitude. the delightful Mair would join us soon enough, along with Kronsdat .... not sure if that was before or after StanStanTheTaxi man decided he wanted theMonkey to have another week in the fair city of Edinburgh .... two weeks on the trot .... record ? .... same fcuking house .... record ?!!!!

The star attraction would show up later :)

now, at the time the banter started between JoppaRoad and WouldBe, i thought they were buddies ! not quite, so it would seem. an stars sat them next to each other, fcuking ace move right there !!
wouldBe "$50 bounty to JR if he can get into the knickers of any woman under the age of 60"
wouldBe "and an extra $25 if she weights less than 14 stone"
as per fucking usual, I misread the sign.
jopparoad "who's d1ck did you suck to get entry for this ?"
wouldBe "at $1 a go i had to suck more than one"

ah the britBlogger, such a fun, friendly, family game :)

I've started reading both their blogs, it aint fucking pretty, but it is pretty interesting. Kudos to both of them for their honesty.
Hell, i even have a cameo on wouldBe's blog, ha ha too funny. left a comment and his reply quite surprised me ! well played sir !
so these two degenerate gamblers are involved in a challenge .... hope they both do well, actually, and manage to keep hold of whatever they win .... remember guys, Bankroll Management :)

not long after, the table broke and i found myself sitting with these fish .... weegem not long for Falkirk eh ? ya jammy git !! BM, Daleroxxu, rchpro, sword-skillz defending champ .... could anyone oust him ? , Neil Ross and theCloud ....

so we banter along for a while, the fish all 3-betting each other left right and centre, then it happened ..... daleroxxu sets the tone for the entrance of the star attraction .....

daleroxxu goes all-in over weegem's initial raise .... AT v AK .... a ten on the flop sends weegem packing :(

so its all his fault for giving the idea to the stars RNG :)

so down to 2 tables, i'm now sat with -

SWORD-SKILLZ, badcallthat, Ca$hPredator, Al Eleven, rchpro, Joppa Rd, NoCash25 and Katitude

now as i recall, AlEleven had three hammers that i saw and got paid ! pushing fishes off post flop, nice :) the RNG had one last laugh before it went into overdrive .... my AA was good against AQ ....

first to go was joppa-road with KQ vTT .... he hit the straight on the river, badcall hit the boat, ouch.
then Ca$hPredator 88 no good against Al's QQ, gg but nae luck.

then, A3o v QQ .... Al Eleven v SWORD-SKILLZ, nae luck sword, its Al your playing, wow, Ace on the flop

and that was my downfall, folded AK pre, to the heavy betting, fucking woose, there was also a K on the flop too :(

rchpro sent Katitude to the rail, his 66 good v AJ

so 5 handed, bubble for the final table, and i push with 99 ... Al calls with AKs ....

*** FLOP *** [4d Tc 5h]*** TURN *** [4d Tc 5h] [Js]*** RIVER *** [4d Tc 5h Js] [Qc]

what a surprise ! good game me. actually thought i had a chance until the J appeared ....

now i obv don't have the hh, but from here on in, big stak Al Eleven got aggro, and anytime he got looked up, he called the all-in .... he got in behind on so many occasions i thought he'd started batting for the other team !!

lmfao, n1 Al Eleven, pleasure to see you at the felt again, and after kicking my ass, a real pleasure to watch you go on and win, the luckboxery you displayed was even better than our last home game, fucking outstanding big man !!

Al Eleven will be back next week to defend. surely not 2 in a row, again ....

pleasant dreams.

Friday, 20 November 2009

oh f m l

welcome back.

dropped $10 tonight ....

shouldn't be too hard on myself, first time for every thing ....

i turned quads .... wheeeeeeee .... no low, but who gives a fuck :)

he rivered a straight flush .... oh fml

so what the fuck do you call a straight flush 5-high ....

surely not ? .... a straight wheel .... can't be ....

sigh, fml (no fucking bad beat jackpot either, you bastard)

damn, i'm tired !

pleasant dreams.

Saturday, 14 November 2009

The Return of the Pink Panther

welcome back, gentle reader.

oh yes indeed, its back .... the original, the biggest, the bestest tourney in the whole of the history of bloggerdom !
oh and there is a bounty on my head ! wheeee famous at last :)
the prop bets ....
$5 bounty on theCloud's head ( by theCloud )
$10 for busting someone with the hammer ( by BurnleyMik )
$5 bounty on ResdentEvil's head ( by NFWS man .... aka Zagga )
$5 last longest .... ( contact BurnleyMik )
$5 that a jock don't win ( contact BurnleyMik )
i really hope Mik has had a good week elswhere ....
oh and whoever is gigli must post theMonkey on their blog .... (no excuses, i still have the picture !)
now there's a question, who was the last person to house said monkey ????

Monday, 9 November 2009

" but I thought you said NFWS .... "

welcome back, gentle reader.

I know I know, but I just could not resist ....
sent my mate zagga a wee text today ....
" nagging doubt .... that pallet .... was it owned by the NFWS ....
National Fox Welfare Society .... "
boom boom !!!!
he is obv in great pain, the response took at least 5 minutes ....
" LOL thats almost funny, you cuuunt ! :-) "
( there is now an Official "zagga bounty" oan ma heid, in The Return of the britBloggerment ! )
( lmfao, how much ? .... you tight cuuuunt !!!! )

Sunday, 8 November 2009

" are you talking to moi ? "

welcome back, gentle reader.

i wonder what would have happened if i'd been really rude .... you know, called him a "cunt" or something ....

" .... have suspended your chat privilege for 24 hours ....

The following chat was observed

oh fcuk off
lol fcuk yoiu .... "

i was on tilt and its nice to rant .... havoc with the bankroll, but nice to rant .... :)

Friday, 30 October 2009

he holds him with his glittering eye - pt 8

welcome back, gentle reader.

after what seems like a lifetime ! and after moving up to the 10c/25c and meeting the variance bitch head on .... i think i moved up completely when the 'roll hit $740 getting as high as $770 and then b00m headshot, dropped a small fortune to hit a low of $698 .... to be fair, i did run into 3 monster hands, flopped two boats only to run into two flopped battleships ! met the third battleship on the river, fml !!
that kinda shit is hard to take when you've just moved up, doubly hard for me, since 90% of my previous play had been at 1c/2c with a $3 buy-in lol, so dropping $15 in a single hand, ugh !
last nights session felt fairly comfortable, hopefully i've now settled in :)

'stars roll .... $817.... :)

playing across 6 tables in total last night, going down at only two for a measly $6 but more than making up for it across the other 4, whew !
wow ! i only won 4 ! hands where my net gain was $5 or more .... can you believe that ? and over 400 odd hands. yeesh, have i turned into a grinder or have i always been ? blimey, thats a bit of an eye opener that one ! as ever, its only major (one way or another) hands that stick in your memory.
then again, my biggest loss in a single hand was $3 .... with only 6 hands losing more than $1 ....

now i could bore you with the gory details .... but they bore me too, so i wont bother lol.

good luck, fellow fish. and remember, my quad goddessess of poker like sacrificial virgins.

Monday, 26 October 2009

weird fixations

welcome back, gentle reader.

am i a better player .... err no
will they fear me more .... err no

but hey, i do get the following, lmfao

Congratulations! You have achieved SilverStar VIP status.

Your VIP level lasts for the rest of this month and all of next month.This entitles you to the following rewards:-

50% FPP Multiplier - you now earn 1.5 FPP credits instead of 1 FPP credit

- SilverStar VIP Store access - choose from new and exclusive merchandise in the SilverStar store

- USD 500 Daily VIP tourneys - 3 x a day - 10 FPP entry

- USD 30,000 Weekly VIP tourneys - Saturdays at 14:30 ET - 100 FPP buy-in

- USD 100,000 Monthly VIP tourney - last Saturday of each month - 130 FPP satellites available

These exclusive VIP tournaments can be found in your PokerStars game lobby under the 'Tourney > VIP > All' tab.

oh just cant contain myself !!

Sunday, 25 October 2009

her name is Rio and she dances in the sand - pt 2

welcome back, gentle reader.

thanks for the comments guys, fuktheriva (what a fcuking ace username !) all linked up.
zagga too funny, you play way to much poker .... bet you have a "durr" suntan as well *)

no rant about the mrs today .... and btw, would have been back here yesterday but for my router going a bit tits-up, me selecting "filter cookies" when re-setting the fcuking thing .... said cookies thingy don't let me access blogger, wtf ? wordpress, wtf ? and orange, wtf ?
ah the things you learn when pissing in the dark !
no rant btw, due to split crotch knickers and hold-ups .... and no, i aint fcuking tellin ya what SHE was wearing .... *)

i will rant about Sunday drivers .... a 10 mile trip and not one, but fcuking two changes of underwear required, fml.
nipping along the a17 and some donk decides to pull out the Heckington slip road .... before i pass him .... dumb motherfcuker .... two things going for me - its dry and my honda has anti-skid this anti-lock that .... otherwise my brand-new-rollerskates would be looking decidedly second-hand .... this was a serious foot on the brake pedal as hard as i could push the fcuker ! still managed to lock the nearside front for a second though, and that should tell you how hard i was braking .... otherwise i'd be sitting right behind the fcuking donk whispering in his ear "let me guess, you didn't see me ?" .... reckon i was maybe 2' from disaster
second one was the usual ignorant fcuking twat, indicates once, pulls into outside lane of dual carriageway to overtake a truck .... rinse & repeat of incident one .... reckon i was maybe 6' from disaster ( thats the usual with these fcukers )

nh gg fu (both)

on the poker front ....

2 nights ago was obv my turn :) pulled in a whopping $50 or so at my new level, and a fair few fpp's, un-fcuking-hinged i tell ya !
hand of the night has to be .... (not my play btw but his, lol )

utg raises to 4bb, i flat call as does guy behind me and the bb. its nl08b btw
flop comes down ... T T T ....
the bb checks and the initial raisee insta-fcuking jams his remaining 45bb ....
honestly, i sat thinking wtf ? and how did he manage to jam so quick ? lightning quick !!
i think for a few seconds and flat call .... hoping the two behind will come along for the ride, no such luck ....
of course i had the fcuking ten .... :)
and mr-insta-lightning-jammer .... he has, no really, he does .... KK .... wtf ?
it took him a full 20 secs to type in the chat box "wow" and another ten to re-load.

last night was break-even :) earning a shed load of fpp's .... told you, i am fcuking unhinged, i want a silver-fcuking-star !!
need a paltry 125 fpp's by the end of the month .... to achieve my life-long-ambition .... fml indeed.

Friday, 23 October 2009

her name is RIO and she dances in the sand - pt 1

welcome back, gentle reader.

i am on motherfucking life tilt. not fucking good for poker, let me tell you. this fucking kind of life-fucking-tilt .... for example, took me 3hrs to drive home this afternoon, did she say "hi" ask about my day, the journey home "glad you're back" .... did she fuck ! walked thru the door and she has a face like a skelped arse .... situation normal then, my my i am sooo looking forward to the weekend, not.

and just to top it off, i fire up the laptop, 10mins ago, and my nearly fucking new wireless router has decided not to be wireless .... aaaarrgghhhhhhhhh .... you fucking piece of shit technology .... at this time of night, i just want to play, i do not want to start fucking about with ssid's and wep2 keys as long as your fucking arm .... F.M.L.

sigh, while i am here .... i think 10c/25c is my new pl08b level .... a very fucking harsh intro to, i might add .... 5 fucking buy-ins down to start, dropped me below 700 sigh, but pulled it out the fucking fire last night, just, about twelve fucking dollars worth ffs .... and the fpp's pile up .... need 320 or so for silver lmfao .... honestly, i feel a bit unhinged, i am fixated on getting that fucking silver star ... wtf ? seriously, wtf ?

i mean, whats the fucking point, if i can only pull in a few bucks .... hopefully i have now settled down and stopped jizzing off dollars !
i really am the new fucking fish on the block .... apart from last night .... lets see how it goes tonight .... I will be back, tomorrow, honest

Monday, 21 September 2009

and then the fucking wheels fell off ....

welcome back, gentle reader.

poker wise, feel like i am driving an 18-wheeler, thats a lot of wheels to come off !! (fml, $3 a wheel, ugh)
yes, i have been running like shite and playing like shite for .... you guessed it, since i got my new rollerskates, lol and fml, seriously fml.
so bad that i gave up on stars 4-card-bingo and shuffled over to fullTilt and swam with the hoddem donkeys. only for one night though :)

played 4 micro tourneys, perhaps i should stay ?

Full Tilt Poker Tournament #108528847 $2 + $0.25
180 players
Total Prize Pool: $360.00
Start Date: September 18 4:05 PM ET

Dear dD,
You finished the tournament in 4th place.
There has been $36.00 added to your account

Full Tilt Poker Tournament #108387775 $1
Tournament NL Hold'emBuy-In: $1.00
1055 players
Total Prize Pool: $1055.00
Start Date: September 18 4:05 PM ET

Dear dD,
You finished the tournament in 31st place.
There has been $3.38 added to your account

of course, if you followed the challenge, your own, personal, jesus , cough cough, this would not be news and you'd know why i've been quiet :)

Friday, 11 September 2009

I've got a brand new pair or rollerskates

welcome back, gentle reader

usually, as far as i am concerned, a car, is a box on wheels, to go from a to b. have to say though, i am quite impressed with my new car .... in the land of Nippon, thay have some va va va va voom ....

Monday, 7 September 2009

guess not - pt 2

welcome back, gentle reader

sometimes its nice to dish it out. not once, but twice. nh gg fu .... :)

[2009/09/03 18:42:59 ET]

*** HOLE CARDS *** Dealt to ResdentEvil [
Qd Qs]

Axamenta: folds,Filipp Alex: folds,Lothi1: calls $0.05,xX Matrim Xx: folds
ResdentEvil: raises $0.25 to $0.30

KGB-David: folds
tortillas pa: calls $0.28
pilnik007: folds,Lothi1: folds

*** FLOP *** [
3d 9c 8c]

tortillas pa: checks,ResdentEvil: bets $0.85,/tortillas pa: calls $0.85

*** TURN *** [3d 9c 8c] [3s]

tortillas pa: checks,ResdentEvil: bets $2.55,tortillas pa: raises $1.42 to $3.97 and is all-in,ResdentEvil: calls $1.42

ResdentEvil said, "oops"

*** RIVER *** [3d 9c 8c 3s] [Qh]

*** SHOW DOWN ***
tortillas pa: shows [
8d 8s] (a full house, Eights full of Threes)
ResdentEvil: shows [
Qd Qs] (a full house, Queens full of Threes)
ResdentEvil collected $9.84 from pot

obviously, virginal sacrifices are worth the effort.

[2009/09/03 18:18:39 ET]

*** HOLE CARDS *** Dealt to ResdentEvil [Kh Ks]

PaolaK: folds,drpaut: folds,ghirboy_visa: folds,Brackovic: calls $0.05,TeTrader789: folds
crissshto: raises $0.15 to $0.20
ady86poker: raises $0.15 to $0.35
ResdentEvil: raises $4.90 to $5.25 and is all-in
Brackovic: folds
crissshto: calls $4.66 and is all-in
ady86poker: folds

*** FLOP *** [6h Kd 5h]
***TURN *** [6h Kd 5h] [4h]
*** RIVER *** [6h Kd 5h 4h] [Jh]

*** SHOW DOWN ***
ResdentEvil: shows [Kh Ks] (a flush, King high)
crissshto: shows [Ac Ad] (a pair of Aces)
ResdentEvil collected $9.62 from pot
crissshto leaves the table

dost thou not know I worship The Church of Dyson

Saturday, 29 August 2009

tales from the crypt - pt 1

welcome back, gentle reader

not been posting as not much happening. well, lots happening but trying to find the time seems a major problem. prolly something to do with the fact that i travel a lot, meh.

liquor up front, poker in the rear.
running not to bad, strangely, been playing a shit load of hoddem cash, nano stakes as usual. fuck me you can get a shed load of hands in when multitabling ! but fuck me, the variance is unbelievable, now i remember why i gave up on hoddem ! the donkitude on display is just mind boggling .... and not just mines either !

liquor up front, poker in the rear.
last night i returned to the real game, pl08b :) nano as per with two 10c/25c open to spice it up, sigh, final fucking orbit bit me in the arse. on the plus side, even with only two bigger tables open, my vip points accrued nicely. wtf do i do with these fucking things anyways ?
my exit hand, so to speak, was, of course, on the bigger table ....
with $26 behind (+11 on starting stakk) i hit the nut low on the turn, outs to a straight and outs to the nut flush, all the money went in on the turn .... missing the fucking lot, i suppose i should be grateful my low didn't counterfeit, villain has nut low and rivers two pair for high, cunt.
leaving me with only $15, cunt, and heading for tilt land, i left, cunt

liquor up front, poker in the rear.
zagga has promised ! to look after me at the next liquorupfront, pokerintherear meet. fuck me, someone has too, you lot were fucking rubbish .... but then again, what goes on tour, stays on tour .... jonesUcunt yer barred !! when i went to retrieve my phone from the room, only to find my roomies MILF had re-retired to bed ffs, i was gonna ask her for an amagay special .... something put me off .... 3 people in a small room, all been on the fucking piss the night before, two have had an after beer curry, one has had an after beer kebab .... man, that room was fucking honking .... walked in the room and the fucking smell killed all thoughts of debauchery stone fucking dead.
so i need a minder, well imagine letting me play 1/2 hoddem cash ffs, i mean really, and i'd had a few as well, sincere appologies to the cypriots who put up with my ballbagged donkery and let me win some of there cash, 40 quid or so, unbelievable.
and btw, that rave club was fucking pish ! next time we stay with the milfman , no fucking arguments hamster-on-steroids ok, end of. :)

ok, thats enough pish for one post, hmmm, a bit of real life to end, i will try to keep it short ....
she rings me up at work, my neighbour has ripped out the hedge which separates our houses, yes, the fucking house i am trying to sell, and she is going fucking bananas ! oh and we are going up there at the weekend, not been there for fucking weeks and the grass must need cut etc, etc .... so i zip down lincs on thursday night, she is mrs-fucking-angry and no i aint getting any fucking rumpage tyvm, sigh, but she relents on friday, w00t .... drive up to scotland, when she sees the fucking line of earth where the hedge was .... and i thought she was fucking angry before ! all rumpage out the fucking window and a shit weekend ahead, sigh
so she spends the whole fucking weekend cleaning the house ?? and doing the garden, while i am left to entertain the kids :) not a single piece of interaction with me and the kids all weekend, she wonders why i dont wanna go anywhere with her, yeesh.

so hit the beer and play poker at night enforcing a long lie-in in the morning, oops :(

lmfao, talk about shooting yourself in the foot with both barrels .... sigh, a week later, i am in scotland, on my jack, fucking fence aint up yet ffs, and no, she aint opening them anytime soon !!


Friday, 14 August 2009

he holds him with his glittering eye - pt 4

welcome back, gentle reader

that site i got chat banned. really shot the other players in foot, thanks. had a +$16 night, thanks. form continued last night with +$9 :)

***** balance $719 .... get fucking in there !!

and all without stepping up, lmfao, i am such a fucking pussy.

so still playing 1c/2c & 2c/5c pl08b. been dabbling in the micro H.O.R.S.E as well, just for a bit of variation and break the monotony of the grind. played over 4 tables going +$2 +$2 +$1 +$4 which is not bad, considering all the games are limit. the biggest game i've noticed going on is $3/$6 and i look forward to playing there .... in xx years :) would like to give the 8-game cash tables a go as well, but they are only 6 max, can you make money on a 6-max limit table, lol .... and get this, there was one guy sat at a $20/$40 with $800 obv looking for a game :) and omfg, there was a guy sat at the $400/$800 with $20,000 .... one day mofu's, one day ....

now there's a question, what 'roll do you need for limit games ?

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

fuck you ***** you cnut

welcome back, gentle reader

i am a player.

my chat got revoked. you know where.


Hello ResdentEvil,
We are writing to inform you that we have suspended your chat privilege for 3 hours as a result of your chat on 2009/08/12. The use of vulgarity when addressing another player is not allowed. When asterisks are seen during chatting, it is a warning that what is being put into the chatbox is not allowed. Using spaces or other characters, or otherwise defeating the censor is a violation of the Card Room Rules. Your chat privilege will be reinstated automatically once the suspension period is over. There is no need to write to support. Our goal at ********** is to be a fun place to play, where everyone can feel comfortable. Abuse and other disruptions to the games takes away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore will not be tolerated. We thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,********** Chat Moderation Team

The following chat was observed

lol who the fk is red .... :)
you fkn animal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
lol who the fk is red .... :)
you fkn animal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
typical fkn shortie calls
fcuking river
get some chips you short fcuking stakker

some people are so so fcuking sensitive (are you listening, honey ?)

Saturday, 25 July 2009

" Hey, have you ever tried dogs playing poker ? "

welcome back, gentle reader.

not been around because the grind continues. nothing startling happening. been languishing around the mid 600 mark for a week .... two weeks ?
then along comes the "wsop", not the real thing, but a wee series of tourneys arranged by forum
ppp which is all good fun but denting to the 'roll.
well, it is if you run like a 3-legged racehorse. as usual with these things there has been some splendid donkery to behold ! no names :)
so 7 events gone, 3 to go and not a fucking cash in sight, in fact not even a final table come to think of it. lmfao, some of the members must think i am a serious donkey :)

after last nights buy-in's i was down to 640, ugh, so off i went to the cash tables.
(( lmfao, stars balance is .... six six six .... (and 39 cents))

my slump in form made me head for the micro's .... might even have been a little tilty after watching every-fucking-hand get outgunned at the stud8 tourney.
the earlier tourney was a nlhe hu thingy. my first (and last !) opponent was BoneIdle :) and he was so fucking hot ! every flop i hit, he had hit it harder ! my exit hand pretty well sums it up .... my Q3 on a Qxx flop .... he had QT :)

oh my, i have a new buddy at the cash tables. for whatever reason, he has latched on to me, well my avatar anyways .... and he can talk .... and talk .... and talk .... and talk. how the fuck he finds time to play beats me.
i have to admit, his incessant chatter is amusing, and he does use it to good effect. lavishing praise and "abuse" in equal measure .... and the compliments he sychophantically lavishes on me .... drives some of the other players to distraction. all good. but then he tells one table "i dont bet against Res" .... fuck me .... scary .... comments like that, its only a matter of time before someone reports "us" .... lol he is from the US-of-fucking-A after all.

so there i am, donking along about even but still tilty :) with my "dawg" chit chattering to all and sundry when i announce "right, fuck this, break time, then its off to play with the big boys" so i close all the tables, take my break, then come back and fire up ....
two micro tables, two 2c/5c and oh-oh three 10c/25c . well fuck me, while still waiting for the bb to get to me, who joins me at two of the big tables ? my stalking dawg of course .... wtf ?

and he proudly announces to all "i normally play with the girls at 1c/2c, i am only here to support Res .... " .... omfg, a stalking dawg .... ding ! "scary monsters, and supercreeps" Bowie, starts up in my head ....

real scary is the fact that my "stalking dawg" has never sat at a 10c/25c, well none that i have played at .... so he did ok, his chat-trick working overtime on the "locals", leaving one table with the $25 he sat down with but dropping $2 at the other.

and me ? actually a very good night overall, made $26 net, thanks in no small part to this ....

Omaha Hi/Lo No Limit ($0.10/$0.25) - 2009/07/25
9 handed, table is full, i have $12.65 ....
*** HOLE CARDS ***Dealt to ResdentEvil [9d Ac Kh Ad]
i checked my bb and 7 (yes 7) of us see a flop
*** FLOP *** [2d 5h 8c] .... lmfao, how ugly is that
guy in mid position makes it $0.75 to go and 7 (yes all 7) to see the turn
*** TURN *** [2d 5h 8c] [Td]
this time a guy in mid makes it $1 with 3 of us flatting to see the river
*** RIVER *** [2d 5h 8c Td] [Jd]

in my surprise, i checked, other guy makes it $1 and gets one caller, and i blast my remaining $10.65 .... getting one caller, ouch, who has the second nuts ....

ResdentEvil: shows [9d Ac Kh Ad] (HI: a flush, Ace high)
Nooz77 mucked [Kd 7h Ks 7d]
ResdentEvil collected $31.70 from pot .... Total pot $33.30 Rake $1.60

i was outta there 20mins later with a healthy stack of $30.95, not bad for a big fish.

oh and my stalking dawg missed it all ....

Wednesday, 15 July 2009


welcome back, gentle reader

thought i'd stop by for the old half monthly update.

go, jesus go
continues apace, if thats the correct description .... not sure .... but the grind continues, mostly micro, dipping my toes in the 10c/25c with one or two tables open. suspect i'm riding the variance wave, up on one down on another. generally going in the right direction.
so close to the next hundred dollar barrier, i can smell it .... probably just the bullshit though ....

this continues to be a fucking ballache. the house still not sold, family in englandshire, i'm working in york and mostly commuting. its 100 miles each way ffs which is 2-3hrs each fucking way .... only consolation is company car. when they find out almost all the milage is "commuting" i think they'll knock it on the head. so come next month maybe September, i may be be forced to "stay " in york .... its not fucking cheap and i really cannot afford it. probably whack the plastic 'till the house sells. at least i dont do weekend working ....
so, question is, is my 40k a year job worth it .... fucking recession, looks like i will have to continue to take it in the rear ....
house sells, recession over, work from home please or another job please ....

so fucking close I can smell it .... probably just the bullshit though ....

Sunday, 5 July 2009

"I've got a friend in jesus...."

thouroughly pi$$ed off playing mtt's with a billion runners, thought it was high time i headed back to my spiritual poker home, the mighty , my original feeding ground. well, ok, it was here that i tried to learn to swim.

anyways, as far as i'm concerned its, probably, the best site in the world to play online poker .

now i "know" its not the largest site but thats the point. on the big sites you prolly have, what, at least a 100 fish for one solid player ? it seems to me that with such a high ratio you have to get real "lucky" for your big hands to hold, i mean, when mr J6-off thinks its a good idea to get all his chips in against your bullets, hitting the obligatory two pair on the river to send you crashing out of yet another tourney, straight to tilt land !!

as you know, i'm an omaholic, but we'll get back to that :) so on firing up pacific i was pleasantly surprised to see i still had some moola in my account and decided to see if my
texas holdem poker game had improved since my last swim :)
after only an hour, i think its safe to say, it has. dont get me wrong, i only dipped my toe in the shallow end, the 2c/4c to be precise, but walking away with 30bb profit suited me just fine. the other thing i noticed was the actual play.
not too many suicidal all-in's pre-flop and when the betting hotted up on later streets, at least the villains had caught something on the flop, makes it so much easier to play, imho.

i know most of you lot are hoddem donkeys, so for you guys, there is quite a lot of choice :)
for the wee fishes theres 2c/4c right through to nosebleed $10/$20 gulp.

for me ? there were pl08b games running, right up to $15/$30 .... eek !!

enjoy your swim ....

Thursday, 25 June 2009

a 1500 big blind nosebleed

welcome back, gentle reader

chapter 1 The Nosebleed

followers will know that i am having a crack at the bigger tables, lmfao gotta try children, gotta try :) some may say i dallied way to long at the microlimits, i agree. it was just so so comfortable down there. trouble is, it would take forever to make some decent pocket money there .... and we are, are we not, here to make some money ?
anyone who knows my style will know that i am not overly fond, or indeed impressed, by huge pre-flop raises ....

PokerStars Game #29748731353: Omaha Hi/Lo No Limit ($0.10/$0.25)
Table 'Sycorax IX' 9-max .... i joined this table with $15, ground it up to $22, villain has $22 too

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to ResdentEvil [2h Ac Ah 8c]

JOVdaGRINDER: raises $21.75 to $22 and is all-in
darkstar24: folds encore fred: folds redurb: folds klavuz: folds jenspap13: folds
ResdentEvil said, "fk" .... using most of my time bank, i said fuck, a lot
ResdentEvil: calls $21.75 and is all-in
Piwonka: folds .... all the rest, quite rightly, clear the field of battle

*** FLOP *** [4h Jc 6d]
*** TURN *** [4h Jc 6d] [5d]
*** RIVER *** [4h Jc 6d 5d] [3h]

*** SHOW DOWN ***
ResdentEvil: shows [2h Ac Ah 8c] (HI: a straight, Ace to Five; LO: 5,4,3,2,A)
JOVdaGRINDER: mucks hand .... .... mucked [5c Qh As Ad]
ResdentEvil collected $21.10 from pot
ResdentEvil collected $21.05 from pot

he re-loaded for a full $25 buy-in and three hands later he is at it again. i dont know this player at all, only have 120 odd hands on him and he is -$30. after the previous hand, this is kinda anti-climactic, at least being played more sensibly ....

*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to ResdentEvil [4c 3h 5h 6d]

basically, the villain raised pre to $1 and 3 of us call, so four to the flop

*** FLOP *** [4h 2d Tc]
another villain bets $2.50, i flat call, the other two, including the original raiser, fold
*** TURN *** [4h 2d Tc] [3c]
villain checks :) i bet out for $10 and he calls for his remaining $8.25
*** RIVER *** [4h 2d Tc 3c] [Qd]

klavuz: shows [4s 2h Ts Kh] (HI: two pair, Tens and Fours)
ResdentEvil: shows [4c 3h 5h 6d] (HI: a straight, Deuce to Six; LO: 6,5,4,3,2)
ResdentEvil collected $12.25 from pot
ResdentEvil collected $12.25 from pot

eek, and all within the space of 4 hands. my session concluded 6 minutes later, it was late, very late, i had been at that table for 2hrs2mins and bed was calling. having sat down with $15, it seemed like a damned good idea to leave with the $54 now sitting in front of me :)

chapter 2 Who Wants to be a Millionaire

sorry, but this one really really rips ma knittin .... please explain to me what 1 million is, in quantifiable terms that I can understand, so that you get across to me how large a number 1 million is .... think about it, really think about .... and dont give me pish like " to the moon and back, twice" , this has no meaning to me as I have never been to the moon ....

how about this one. to make one million pounds in one year, you need to make two thousand seven hundred and forty pounds a day, every day, for the whole year ....

chapter 3 The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

the good - after grinding my way through umpty thousand 1c/2c hands, i think i can consider myself a winning player at these microstakes. pats self on the back .... :)

the bad - sitting down at said 1c/2c table and before it gets to my big blind, the table has emptied .... wtf ? seriously wtf ? this has happened at several times in the past week .... are these motherfuckers in collusion ? or is the news out ? my big fish avatar is actually the kind of fish you don't want to be swimming with ? fair enough, the regulars "know" i can play a bit and i actually seem to know what constitutes a reasonable starting hand, but come on, its 1c/2c and you sit down with a massive $3.
btw you motherfucking fish who wont, dont, cant play with me .... if you want to learn, you need to play with decent players .... and if you cannot beat me, really, who the fuck do you think you can beat ?
I am not, repeat, not, gawds gift to poker .... i am, quote, "a solid player who is hard to get chips from" .... a view not shared by all my fellow donks .... so, on the other hand, i am, quote, "a fucking fish .... will chase anything for half .... fucking idiot" ....
so there's the two sides to the argument, take your pick ....
personally, I take both as a compliment, so thank you madam :) and thank you sir :)

the ugly - those woman tennis players who grunt .... jesus fucking wept ladies, save it for the bedroom or wherever .... just stop fucking doing it, what a fucking turnoff ....

very much like meeting a beautiful woman in a bar, in Glasgow .... you notice her standing at the bar, a heavenly vision of beauty, you saunter over, trying to look cool, trying not to trip over your own feet, trying not to dribble your been down your shirt .... "hi there ...." .... "aw rite pal, we're gaun tae ra jiggin, ye waant tae bye me an Mary-doll a fukkin beer .... " .... time for a Sharp exit (Harp, sharp to the bottom of the glass:)

chapter 4 He holds him with his glittering eye - pt 3

well, with the aid of the aforementioned nosebleeds and generally doing ok all round last night, i have broken through the $600 mark .... go jesus, go :)

Monday, 22 June 2009

upwardly mobile, almost

welcome back, gentle reader

quite a week at the tables. ( for the impatient amongst you, stars 'roll at $554 )

stepped up a level, sort of :) still playing the 1c/2c and of course the 2c/5c. and yeah, started opening a table or two of 10c/25c.
the first session at 10/25 was an eye opener. obviously i was the new fish at the table .... raises ignored, or getting 5-bet :) any flop i did get into i was simply bullied off it !
lmfao what a wuss. or is it the same for anyone who steps up and is (too) seriously keeping one eye on the bankroll ?
on my first attempt at 10c/25c it went a bit pear shaped. i did not play to many hands and was blinded & bullied down to $12 ($15 buy-in) when i limped in to a pot with A333 .... on a board of A2385 .... the villain shows T554 .... oops, played like a fiddle .... which left me with $7 and i packed it in shortly after that, confidence sagging, and thinking wtf was i in that pot for in the first place. when that sort of thing happens, i am left feeling vaguely embarassed, feeling like a fish, so to speak.

my next crack at the 10c/25c, three nights later was the opposite. my very first hand !! 5 of us limp into the pot, 2 of us go the distance and on a board of 8QJJ7 oh yes, i have JQ .... villain had 9T but his re-raise on the flop only frightened off the other 3 limpers, not bad for a beginner .... a $14 hand .... eventually leaving the table with $26.

next night was one of those nights. i could not hit fuck all, could not get anyone to fold blah blah blah blah .... net result ? dropped $6 .... still painfull for me because that is a full buy-in at the 2c/5c.
and talking of painful .... when you hit the nut low draw and top two on the turn there's no problem with all the money going in .... unfortunately the villain had hit top set on the flop but he had no low draw .... the ace on the river was especially painful since it killed my low draw and rubbing it in, completes the flush draw .... villain had the required two matching suits in his hand .... sigh, a full buy-in bites the dust

dropping so much could really have dented my bankroll, but as "luck" would have it, i was running so hot at the 2c/5c, just about (almost) making up what i was dropping at the bigger tables. i don't feel i was playing particularly badly .... how many players spout that one ?? .... just a matter of time :)

"time" started last night, hopefully it might continue ....

with "only" $12 behind me i picked up A24T suited ace :) and all the money went in on the river, the villain mucked 9AA9 double suited, no less, unfortunately for him the board was J3T48 so my two pairs are enough to see off his pesky aces .... why do people put so much stock on them ? never ceases to amaze me .... oh yeah, did you notice he had no low, not even a draw .... so he loses big time :) $11.90 +$11.85 .... b00m headshot, if i may be so bold.

last night was one of my best, net profit of $17 with almost half of it coming from that one hand. wondering where the rest came from ? glad you asked, heres where :)

at the 1c/2c i picked up amounts of $7.61 & $6.64 any table you sit at and double yer buy-in is a result in my book ! of the others i picked up a dollar here and there plus cents on three others but dropped a buy-in between the remaining two.

makes you wonder though. since i started my "assault" on the 10c/25c .... all of a whopping 3 or 4 days actual play, i have kept the boat afloat with good results at the 2c/5c .... and have been getting crucified at the 1c/2c !!

is it simple psychology ?

am i now playing risk-favourable at the lowest limit or perhaps, concentrating overly on the bigger tables ?

Monday, 15 June 2009

true blonde - pt 1

welcome back, gentle reader

sure you have seen it, fucking idiots abound

PokerStars Game #29367818472, Omaha Hi/Lo Pot Limit ($0.01/$0.02), 2009/06/14 Table 'Houzeau V'
Seat 8: ResdentEvil ($3 in chips)

PokerStars Game #29367818472, Omaha Hi/Lo Pot Limit ($0.01/$0.02), 2009/06/14 Table 'Houzeau V'

Seat 8: ResdentEvil ($16.88 in chips)

really, what can you say

thanks :)

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Infer - To conclude from evidence or premises

welcome back, gentle reader.

thought for the day - stop interfering in other peoples lives

((sort your own life, its a fucking train wreck ))

theDiktator offered me a clean slate .... like a fucking idiot I fell for it. Stayed up to silly o'clock last night playing good ole tourneys, ran deep in the nl08b one on fullTilt .... did i get a lie in ? lol did i fuck.

unfortunately running like a fucking dawg this week, mainly due to life tilt. usual nonsense, with my AA23, yes i actually got dealt a cracking starter once this week ! wonders never cease .... the stars rNg had other fucking ideas though .... 69K flop .... one of the 4, yes 4, callers has KK .... business as usual then.
on the opposite end, get dealt JQKK and the flop is all low, sigh. been running like this all week, fuck ! as a consequence, dropped $10, disaster :) stars sitting at 525, so the 1c2c will have to get fucking hammered because i am starting to get an itch to play the 10c25c ....

here is a very interesting hand .... not because of what happened at the table, more like what happened off the table ....

dealt some innocuous cards and two come along for the ride .... then my 3 kids appear, crowding round the pc, wanting to know wtf is daddy doing ? what position is daddy in ? which player is daddy ? pointing and touching the screen, tiny hands all fucking over the keyboard !
jesus, what a fucking rammy ! and without realising i call all the raises on the table and eventually get caught piggy in the middle, shit low and shit high ! thats when i raised my voice ....

GO TO BED i bawled .... the three of them, stood, open mouthed, staring .... looking at the BEMUSED look on daddy's face .... ( poker face my arse ! ) .... and they all burst out laughing ! and so did I .... fuck the poker, this was much more fun wheeeeee :)

theDiktator obviously thought I'd lost it, she appeared and ignored the fact we were all laughing our fucking faces off .... and ushered them off to bed, game over :(

oh and the guy 14 doors down has applied for an asbo , or whatever the fuck its called :) I am fairly sure most of the neighbours are actually very surprised that there is a man ?? squeak fucking squeak .... in the house ....

the situation was ridic ! so i shut the tourney and fucked off for a beer and a smoke :) when i got back i was short but managed to blag it to the final table, 7th, but no money :)

i ended up being late to bed .... ok, ok so i slept on the fucking sofa (clean slate ? don't make me fucking laugh !) .... by donking my way to a 12th of 158 runner $10+$1 nl 08b on tilt for $23 .... i have to admit liking playing on fullTilt, plenty of play there, but the software is still fucking .... antiquated .... if you want multiple tables open and do not have the luxury of two 42" monitors to fuck about on !

might as well finish on a positive (two huge fingers to life tilt, aka theDiktator, that's what i say) as usual, you nlhe donkeys should be ashamed ! letting a 4-card-bingo-player kick your arse :)

PokerStars Tournament #169962232, No Limit Hold'emBuy-In: $0.10
4791 players
$50.00 added to the prize pool by PokerStarsTotal Prize Pool: $529.10
Tournament started 2009/06/12 21:00:00 WET [2009/06/12 16:00:00 ET]

Dear dD,
You finished the tournament in
329th place. A $0.32 award ....

thanks for stopping by.

oh fuck, almost forgot .... (USA persons please note, fanny = cunt)

bloke takes the new bird home to meet the parents. "i must warn you, they are both deaf and dumb" he warns her.
They get there and walk in to the living room.
His mums got a beer bottle up her fanny and the dad is sitting there with his nuts out and a matchstick propping one eye open.
His bird says "what the fuck is this ?"
he replies " oh, its sign language ....

my mum is saying get the beers in you cunt, and me dads saying, bollocks, I'm watching the match ! "

ha ha ha ha, well it amused me. btw this was a joke text to theDiktator from her good Kafflik pal, so thanks Franny, you have got me in a shit load of trouble at work.
yes i tried to email this to a few friends .... there were plenty of ** and not one real fully formed profanity .... the works fucking profanity filter still saw fit to intervene and the email is under review, if the cunt who reviews it does not have a sense of humour, worse still, a gawd damn fucking jobsworth, then i get reported to "the management" .... depending on their mood, impartiality is not one of their strong points, I could be in for a rough fucking ride over the coming months .... they so love to "monitor" employees after we have fucked up !

.... keep the jokes coming Franny, some of them are hidden gems :)